Ridiculous Questions I found on the Internet and My Answers (Part 2)

 

Question 1
Is it okay to boil headphones?

My Answer: Go for it! And Whiles you are at it connect it to your phone and play some groovy music. I wish you all the best.

Question 2
Why is my sperm so powerful? I have only been with my girl for two weeks but the Doctor says she is 4 months pregnant

My Answer: Have you ever had the funny feeling that you were being played? No? Well then yes your sperm is the stuff of legends and I am surprised you haven’t impregnated yourself already. Yes I know you are male but like I said, I’m surprised you haven’t impregnated yourself.

Question 3
Is it weird that my dog likes to watch me pee?

My Answer: Shame on that perverted Canine with cute eyes and its tongue out, wagging its tail from side to side.

Question 4
STD from Dog is it possible? help…?

My Answer: The fact that you are even asking this… wow… wow. No no no. There are so many things running through my mind.… I’ll let this go

Question 5
If I eat myself would I become twice as big or completely disappear?

My Answer: Have a seat. Here, have a cookie. Milk and sugar in your coffee? Now think about this deeply. Would you eat your head first or last?

Ridiculous Questions I found on the Internet and My Answers(Part 1)

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So today I spent time scouring the net looking for absolutely dumb questions. I am going to attempt to answer them as best as I can.

QUESTION 1
Is Lion King based on a true story?

My Answer: Absolutely. Mufasa was a legend who paved the way for the lions we now watch on National Geographic.

QUESTION 2
How do I unbake a cake?

My Answer: Simple bro. Record the whole baking process on camera. When all is done,sit back (preferably with a plate of that hopefully delicious cake) and hit the rewind button. Now you can unbake to your heart’s content.

QUESTION 3
Do you think humans will ever walk on the sun?

My Answer: Yup maybe one night it would happen.

QUESTION 4
HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? ITS RUINING MY LIFE.

My Answer: I’M TIRED OF THAT PESKY THING TOO!!!

QUESTION 5
Can I tell by the smell of my husband’s gas if he has been cheating?

My Answer: Why are you doing this to yourself? No really, Whyyyy.

To be continued.

-Benjamin J. Obeng

How I almost owned a Police Station when I was 6

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Yup, you read right. The year was… (well I was six). Anyway, this was the era where video game graphics were improving in leaps and bounds (If you were born in the 2000s you never really faced what I am about to describe but bear with me). I first remember playing video games (usually soccer)on PC. The game graphics for the soccer games were usually terrible, but i did not care. The stick figures moved and kicked a ‘ball’ that grudgingly struggled to comprehend that it was supposed to respond to the laws of physics. However, it was pure bliss. I stared at our monstrosity of a computer monitor (the good old days) for hours and hours on end playing games.

     Then games got better. The Graphics became more and more realistic. David Beckham went from a stick figure in tiny shorts to a more realistic caricature in tiny shorts ( OK Ladies, focus!). That is when things got interesting. New consoles on which games could be played entered the mix and changed the game (pun intended) for good.

     It was about this point I decided I needed to get my hands on one. But how does a six year old get anything? You ask and ask and ask…. and then you ask some more, and then you ask again. Off course after asking my parents for days and nights without a positive response I knew I had to change tactic. I had to be more specific and name which particular console I wanted. I had heard of a new console that was absolutely amazing and supposedly life changing (well I was six, even chocolate was life changing at six)

     A few days later I got the chance to try out my new tactic on an unsuspecting uncle of mine. For the sake of this story, lets call him Uncle Paa. I walked up to Uncle Paa with a wonderful smile on my face and gave him a hearty hug. Then I dropped the bomb. I explained to him how there was this new console called a ‘Police Station’ and that I would very much love it if he got me one for either my next birthday or for Christmas (always give an adult options. wink wink). Off course Uncle Paa immediately agreed to purchase for me a POLICE STATION for my next birthday!. He didn’t think about it. He didn’t find it odd that they sold Police Stations. Nope. He just agreed.

         Sadly, Uncle Paa never bought me that Police Station and hence I unfortunately do not have a bunch of police officers that pay me rent annually. I did however get a ‘Play Station’ years down the line and that console was awesome!

Thanks for reading 🙂

Kooko with a Hint of Armed Nuts

 

     

 

Kooko  with a hint of Armed nuts

A short story by Benjamin J. Obeng

“Everyone on the floor now!”, one of the four men shouted above the commotion in the bank. He was a big guy, well built, and had a thick foreign accent. You could tell he was from one of our neighbouring countries. He waved the automatic rifle in his hand threateningly at anyone who dared disobey the command. His companions, all in ski masks and wielding similar rifles, rounded us all into the centre of the banking hall. One man was left to watch us; about fifteen in all, whiles the other three gunmen  disappeared through a staff only door.
A few minutes passed and beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. Our captor kept watching us with hawk-like attention and you could tell that any wrong move would have been rewarded with a bullet.
I don’t know from where the courage came to open my mouth but what came out didn’t sound like my voice. “B…Boss”, I started. The gunman walked over to me suspiciously. He placed the barrel of his gun squarely against my temple. Let’s just say, if he had shot me there and then, the  mess would not have been pretty. “What is it?” His voice was hoarse and slightly muffled by his mask, but I could tell I was  irritating him. My fellow kidnapees  (if that’s not a word, it is now. *grins*) turned to look at me wondering what I was going to ask him.
I gulped to try to slow my heart rate,”You dey like kooko?”. The kidnapper blinked in confusion for a second then his eyes narrowed in  anger. I didn’t have time to react before the butt of his gun hit me above my right eye. I winced in pain as blood began to flow from the cut. “You are not a kooko  fan I suppose”, I muttered under my breath. He glared at me then raised his gun again, preparing to strike some more sense into my head…

Let me rewind.

My name is Kofi. Yup, just Kofi. The rest is not important. I have a simple ritual I carry out every Monday morning.  On my way to work on Monday mornings, I buy Hausa Kooko, a delicious porridge made from millet, from a lovely woman who everyone simply calls Hajia( only buy from an elderly Hajia or a Daavi, I guarantee their kooko will be like cocaine. #kookotips ) I buy my porridge  from this particular spot for two reasons; her kooko is one of the best, and its just a few metres away from the bank from where I usually withdraw the money I will need for the entire week. The thing about frequently  buying Kooko from a particular location is that you tend to make lots of acquaintances and some of these acquaintances become friends. One such friend I made was John Asiedu. Coincidentally, he too would often withdraw money from the same bank as I and thus we struck an easy friendship since we kept bumping into each other. It took many months before he finally told me an important secret; he was a  plain clothes police detective. So why am I telling you all this?….

Let’s fast forward to my present predicament.

“Wait!” I raised both my hands above my head. The gunman paused, wondering what I possibly had to say, so I continued  ,”I have Kooko in my bag!” I pointed to the pile of belongings that was seized from us and placed placed a few metres away on the floor. The gunman stared at me like I had lost my mind, “So?”
“So… you can have it. My gift to you before you die.” This threw him over the edge. He pressed the barrel of the gun against my skull, harder this time. My heart rate went through the roof, I knew he was going to shoot me. The words flew out of his mouth like poisoned arrows,”You are dea….”

Now let’s pause here again and recap.
From the moment I called over my captor, I had set him up to fail. He didn’t notice one of the captives pull out a gun. He missed the sound of the said captive removing the safety and he certainly didn’t see it being aimed at him. You can imagine that the bullet was very much a surprise to him.

….and  play….

He never finished that sentence. He fell in a heap to the floor; blood gushing out from a bullet hole in the back of his head. Flowing down his neck like droplets of kooko steadily winding down the sides of the huge pot it is served from(allow allow this is after all a kooko story).John Asiedu was breathing heavily, gun held firmly in his hands. He had been  in the bank with me that day and thankfully the robbers hadn’t bothered to search anyone. Our baby sitter of a kidnapper would have noticed if John had pulled his gun from his holster so I created a diversion. I put my life on the line and betted on team kooko  (John and I) to win.

In a blink of an eye the banking hall turned into chaos as John led the  hostages  out of the bank as quickly as possible. I ran over to the pile of bags and personal belongings.  I opened my bag and grabbed it. It was in a transparent polythene bag and it was still warm. Kooko  is only good when it’s still warm (#kookotips). I was all alone by the time I retrieved it. I began to run towards the entrance when I heard the gun shot. A bullet  whizzed past my right ear  and hit the top part of the main entrance, smashing the glass into bits.  Behind me, I could hear the three assailants shouting in anger. I scrambled through the now gaping entrance into the warm afternoon Accra sun. Outside, police men had set up a perimeter (I know what you are thinking… eiii  Ghana police? Yes please.) and had their guns trained on the entrance.  John met me outside and led me to safety. I was holding my prized possession like my life depended on it.
It didn’t take long for the assailants  to give up and surrender. I had almost finished drinking my  hausa  kooko  when they came out of the bank in a single file, hands raised high above their heads in surrender.
Team kooko 1, Armed nuts 0

To be continued .

The Supplication

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The pain she feels when she cuts herself does not compare to the one inside.
Watching the red streams fascinate her
At least she doesn’t have to deal with the rejection and lies.
The only version of heaven she knows is when she isn’t being used
That version of heaven is far and in between
She daily lies on her back in unholy prayer
To “gods” that come in the dark wearing masks of men running from their bedchambers
Escaping old nagging wives
She’s lucky if it doesn’t last long
She can then quiet her baby
Who has been screaming for milk the entire time.
At the end of the night, she clasps her palms in tearful supplication
Gasping silent prayers of pain
Seeking all over again for mercy